Talking to people about your self harm

Eventually you may want to talk to someone.

The first person you choose is really important. It may be a friend, teacher, …. anyone..

Here are some direct quotes from members of the project:

“It was a huge decision to tell someone. I debated over it for a good few months while things got worse and I was beginning to feel as if I was going insane. It was very frightening. When I finally got to a point where I had decided that I was going to tell someone and I knew who, it all became very real. There were all sorts of things going on in my head: what if they thought I was mad? (even though I was beginning to think I was), what if I got into trouble? What if they tried to lock me away in some ‘mental institute’? What if they told everyone else? What if they never spoke to me again or tried to send me to some therapist? What if they didn’t want to listen? Well, you get the point. It was absolutely terrifying. So I planned exactly what I wanted to say, then thought about what they might say back and went through lots of ways the conversation might turn out. I had chosen the person I wanted to tell very carefully. She was someone who seemed laid back and down to earth. She didn’t seem judgmental and I thought she would take it quite well. I picked the day carefully so I knew what would be going on at the time and picked a place I thought no one would be listening in. And when it came to the point where I was going to ask to talk to her I got too scared and backed out. It took me at least another week to build myself up to it again.”

Planning that first meeting is very important. The person needs to be in a position to give you the time and the privacy that you will need, but they also need some particular personal qualities.

Our experiences of a good supporter:

REALLY listens - not someone who's, like…, you do it because of this. Someone with their head screwed on - the last thing I needed to hear was that I was "special" for doing it. It only reinforced how bad I felt. I guess someone with tact.
Having a reliable person is a rock in a storm. Don’t pass me about like some parcel.
Tells me what their boundaries and limitations to confidentiality are. Gave me a baseline to work within, to feel safe.
Respects me - ask to see my arms, and I’ll often bite your arm off. The first thing I remember getting asked is “can I see”. So I’ve just told this complete stranger one of my biggest secrets and the next thing I'm an animal in a zoo!
Accepts that I need attention, but am not an ‘attention seeker’.
Someone who accepts that it’s not the self harm that’s the issue, it’s the reasons behind it.

You can’t beat a good friend, at the end of the phone, or on MSN whenever you need to talk.